Events in life often force me to return to the wisdom of Epictetus, who said, “Demand not that things happen as you wish, but wish them to happen as they do, and you will go on well.” He points out that the source of much unhappiness is our desire to have reality conform to our wishes.
I seem to need to learn this lesson repeatedly. At my own peril, I often wish for outcomes that have no basis in reality. In doing so, I ignore Epictetus, an early second-century Greek philosopher associated with Stoicism. Perhaps I dismiss him because it is hard to believe his notion could be valid in our complex 21st century.
Too Hard to Give Up Hoping for Other Outcomes
I haven’t learned the lesson because I cannot rid myself of my wishes. I wish climate change wasn’t a threat to future generations and that people hadn’t died in the recent hurricanes on the East Coast of the United States.
I also wish everyone would put their cart away after they unload their groceries in the parking lot instead of leaving it where it blocks parking spaces.
I have many more wishes, as you do, no doubt.
How Long Is Your Wish List?
I wish I had more energy so I could accomplish more. I wish learning another new technology’s next iteration wasn’t difficult for me.
I wish I hadn’t made so many mistakes during my earlier years, that I could have relived them, and that I could have made everything right.
I wish the Ukraine war would be over. And for that matter, I want the death and destruction in the Middle East, with hatred hardening on all sides, to stop.
I want families not to have to worry about their finances, whether they face medical expenses or the cost of childcare.
I wish I could go again with my late husband to Maria’s Mexican Restaurant in Grass Valley, eat a combination plate, wash the enchiladas down with ice-cold Dos Equis, and gossip with a few neighbors while we’re there!
If you analyze my wishes, you can see that they are both noble and petty. Such, I surmise, is the human condition.
Happiness Is Within Our Reach
What’s the way out of this conundrum? If happiness requires accepting what is (versus what I want), then the only way out is to give up and surrender to what is.
For those practicing the Christian faith, perhaps the most challenging part of the Lord’s Prayer is “Thy will [not mine] be done.” That is the essence of Epictetus’s admonition.
To be happy, we must not demand, like entitled children, that everything be as we desire. Instead, we must humble ourselves and accept what is. Beyond that, we want to be grateful for what we have received.
Narcissistic Demands for the Desired Reality
Although this might seem abstract philosophizing, it directly relates to my experience of transplanting myself from Nevada City to Castelnau-le-Lez in France.
I haven’t been unhappy here. But I would be rich if I had a penny for every time I wished the French did things the way I thought they should (e.g., the American way).
To be content, I must find a way to accept everything about my new reality. Only then can I be fully at peace in my new home.
I could wish all I wanted for the familiar ways of American life, but recreating them in France is a hopeless task. For example, despite my extensive search, I can’t find a Mexican restaurant. But I did find an excellent Thai restaurant in my neighborhood with an outstanding stir-fry bowl.
Instead of resisting everything I needed to learn, I am embracing being a student by reminding myself how much I enjoyed learning in school. Instead of feeling bad about the hardships of the Ukranians, I found a Red Cross site where I could donate.
How to Change the Future Reality
I will be the first to admit that accepting what is—and giving up childish entitlements and noble wishes—is difficult. It isn’t a passive act. It is a proactive decision to accept what is. Ironically, it is also the first step in creating a better reality.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change,” wrote Carl R. Rogers in On Becoming a Person. In another book, A Way of Being, he describes watching a sunset and how useless it would be to suggest the orange might be a bit softer. In this example, he reminds us that it is the height of wasted energy (not to mention narcissism) to imagine we know how best to create a sunset.
The Energy to Make Changes
However, the real reason change is possible after we accept what is true is that we have the blinders off and the energy to take appropriate actions.
Epictetus gave good advice, which is undoubtedly why we’re reflecting on his ideas twenty centuries later. Accepting reality, rather than trying to superimpose our will on reality, is the path to happiness.
If you disagree and want to argue with Epictetus, email me. I’d like to hear your argument.