“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change” is a quote attributed to Stephen Hawking. And even if he didn’t say it, the quote is consistent with his insight into the nature of intelligence.
The only certainty we have is that everything is impermanent and constantly changing. A Zen proverb captures this situation: “Life is change, change is stability.”
Emulate Anchored Buoys
How should a person respond to this reality? Perhaps we should emulate anchored buoys. Wind and currents move them around, but they keep their position.
A friend of mine had this buoyant quality. The events of his life—for example, getting fired from his job, business failures, divorce, and financial hardships—moved him up and down in turbulent waters, but he kept bobbing. Later in life, he turned out to be hugely successful.
I always admired him because, no matter what happened, he came out better after having had the experience. He turned every circumstance to his advantage.
Changing One’s Perspective
Over time, I’ve become more and more like him. Terrible events have occurred in my life, and I’ve also had my share of disappointments, failures, losses, and accidents. But when I look back, I realize I am better for having gone through those experiences.
Over time, I’ve learned to shorten my period of distress by practicing the same three-step process that my buoy-like friend used.
Reframe the Experience
First, I reframe the incident and attempt to view it differently. Instead of focusing on the downside, I allow myself the space and room to imagine an upside. What are the positives that could come from this? In the beginning, this question always seems impossible to answer. The reframing process takes time and is hard work. It challenges my imagination, and it tests my emotional resilience.
But if I don’t give up, eventually, I will find an upside. It’s almost as if I have to push a mental reset button in my head and start looking with new eyes. Or like shaking a kaleidoscope until I see a beautiful pattern.
Create a New Path
This elicits the second step: actively creating a positive path forward. I must reinvent a future different from the one I had expected. This is the opposite of passively accepting my fate.
One of the most dramatic examples of reframing involves the story of a mother, Candace Lightner, whose 13-year-old daughter, Cari, was killed by a drunk driver. Her daughter was walking on a sidewalk in a suburban neighborhood. The driver had numerous drunk-driving convictions and was even out on bail for a hit-and-run at the time he killed Cari.
Instead of spending the remainder of her life grieving the outrageous tragedy, Candy founded Mothers Against Drunk Driving. MADD became a national organization that successfully lobbied for tougher driving-under-the-influence penalties by changing public attitudes about the offense.
Her positive response to a horrific personal tragedy led to action that saved lives.
Give Thanks
The third step might seem unrelated, yet it cannot be overlooked. I must express gratitude not just for the happy moments but also for the problems and hardships that forced me to grow and learn. I give thanks for the big stuff, like friends and loved ones, and the little stuff, like a good night’s sleep and a delicious cup of hot coffee in the morning.
I’m convinced that the daily habit of expressing gratitude has increased my happiness because it has slowly changed how I perceive situations by adjusting what I focus on.
Watching Yourself Evolve
When I finished writing the fourth book in the Blackbird series and looked back on eight decades of living, I saw how these three steps have served me well. They allowed me to work through nightmarish situations, just as they had served my friend.
Interestingly enough, I could more easily observe the three-step process in my friend’s life than recognize how I had employed it. To those looking at our lives from the outside, we both probably seemed to possess an extraordinary amount of “good luck.”
But what seems like good luck is simply a learned skill in turning difficult situations into positive experiences.
My only regret is that I didn’t acquire these skills earlier in life.
All images from Canva