“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts,” wrote William Shakespeare in As You Like It. (I hasten to add that women also get to play many parts. But I digress.)
In this speech, Shakespeare described seven stages of life, which I have condensed to three: Be, Do, and Have.
Charles Darwin Got Stuck
Reading Charles Darwin’s final notes on what gives meaning to life triggered my thinking on life stages. In his senior years, Darwin lamented that his current achievements did not rival those of his youth. He also complained that he had lost interest in pursuits that once gave him pleasure. Lacking an appreciation of his current stage of life triggered depression and an assortment of debilitating health problems.
Like Darwin, child prodigies often burn too brightly in their youth and fade as adults. That’s why you and I have to get the stages right.
Three Stages: Be, Do, and Have
The three stages have their own challenges and rewards. Although each is unique, the stages overlap. There’s no clear-cut delineation when we pass from one stage to the next. Indeed, the elements of the next stage start showing up in the current one. And elements from the prior stage continue into the present stage.
Some of us strongly favor one stage over another, making the transitions even more difficult. Tragically, we can end up getting stuck.
Stage One: Be. The Be stage involves learning. In this period of life, a person is schooled and acculturated into society. When a baby enters the world, we are content to let it be. Nothing is required.
As the child matures, we convey society’s requirements through personal example and formal schooling. Internships during this period, for example, are preparation for the next stage.
“Becoming” best describes this stage, and it typically occupies the first two decades or so of one’s life.
Stage Two:Do. The most productive period of a person’s life typically occurs at the Do stage. Although there are exceptions, like Grandma Moses, who started painting at age 78, most productive work occurs during the Do stage.
Darwin’s On the Origin of Species was published when he was 50. But he had written the work decades earlier. Einstein was 26 years old when he introduced the famous equation E = mc2, revolutionizing our understanding of space, time, and energy.
Learning is still ongoing during this period, but it is more narrowly focused. For instance, an employer might require an employee to use a new system or acquire specialized skills to make the employee more productive at work.
Achievements are sought and failures are noted. Being productive and utilizing one’s talents are necessary for most people to find this stage satisfying. “A job well done” or the completion of goals, such as buying one’s first home or having one’s first child, are examples of successful activities during this period.
Stage Three: Have. Enjoying the results of one’s earlier efforts is the reward for reaching the Have stage. Wisdom, maturity, understanding of oneself and others, gratitude for rewards and blessings, appreciation of goodness, and an enlarged perspective characterize this stage.
Selective memory, sometimes called the positivity effect, prevails so that happy memories trump negative ones. The “good old days” are remembered, while the “bad old days” are minimized. Less time and effort are put into accomplishments while more attention is given to accepting and enjoying what is. Friendships become more important.
Emotional intelligence increases along with “crystallized intelligence,” the accumulation of all prior learning. This kind of intelligence is possible only after a lifetime of acquiring knowledge and skills through education and experience.
What Happens When We Get Stuck?
A person who is stuck in the Be stage never leaves school. They may accumulate degrees or at least attempt to. They may fail to get a job and to become financially independent. For whatever reason, the person fails to move on to the next stage, where some level of performance is necessary.
A person who is stuck in the Do stage is addicted to accomplishment and the recognition that comes with completing a project or the adulation for their achievements.
An “over-the-hill” politician who stays in office even though their mental abilities have declined is an example of someone frozen in the Do stage and unwilling or unable to move on to the Havestage. Another example would be a middle-aged man who divorces his wife, buys a sports car, and starts a new life with a woman young enough to be his daughter. Another is a workaholic businesswoman whose primary pleasure in life is her career.
“Stuckness” Deserves Compassion
It’s not easy to move from the first stage, where simply being is enough—like a permanent student—to the second stage, where demands begin to pile up. Nor is it easy to give up the adulation and rewards of the second stage when it is time to move on.
Anyone who is trapped needs our compassion. I know because I’m one of them. Even though I should be well into the third stage, I still try to live as if I’m in an earlier stage.
In the course of this mismanagement of myself, I frequently become ill because of fatigue and overextension. However, I’m getting better at simply enjoying the results of my prior work and sharing the wisdom I’ve gleaned. (I must point out that more of my wisdom comes from failures than successes.)
Changing Perspective
Recognizing my stuckness is like an alcoholic admitting the addiction. It’s a first and essential step. However, recognizing this shortcoming will not result in automatic change. Changing habits is difficult.
To that end, I’ve already begun scheduling my day so that less time is spent doing and more time is spent having, as in having coffee with friends. Replacing my workaholic ways with reflective and nourishing activities will be difficult but not impossible.
Reminding myself of the rewards will make it viable: better health, more energy, and more pleasure in the moment-to-moment experiences.
Maybe I’ll stick a note on my mirror with the advice of a character named Socrates in the book Way of the Peaceful Warrior, written by Dan Millman. Socrates says, “The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new.”
What Stage Are You In?
Writing this article caused me to reflect on whether I’ve successfully adapted to my current stage of life. I hope it serves you in the same way. Like me, maybe you need to make some adjustments that will, in turn, lead to positive changes.
Or maybe you’ll congratulate yourself for having made successful transitions. Either way, it’s a win-win.
All images from Canva